Jericho: Maybe it's not "Writing" as much as "Creating"

Anita started me down this road. I was happy moaning to myself that I wasn't writing in my paper journal, drawing in my black book, playing Role Playing games. But, no, she had to come along and introduce me to HTML and on-line journaling. It's all her fault!

One of the first things I did on my first web site, before the journal, was a stupid animated .gif of myself. Come to think of it, I think I had a bunch of them and I thought they were pretty bitchin'! Already, art and my ideas about the web were coming together. I had some odd ideas about pages where there was no text, things would animate and make sound as you moused over them, an interactive web sculpture. Never got around to those, I started journaling.

Oh, yes, I thought journaling would get me going as a writer. And, in a way, maybe it did. I had some gaming material published, they paid me and everything! But, mostly, journaling gave me the chance to bitch. Poor me. Boo hoo. Not a good enough writer. I hate everything. Waaah!

Okay, some of it was darned funny. I'll repost those pages one day and you can judge for yourself.

Then, and this isn't Anita's fault, I found on-line comics! I was bored at work. I found the two most popular, still there today, User Friendly and Sluggy Freelance. It was Christmas break and I was working one of the few available shifts. No calls, so I was surfing the net and found both of these places. I was floored! And, they were so poorly drawn at the time I figured I could do it, too.

But, I didn't. I kept journaling and I waited for a while. In there, Steph moved in with me, I lost one job, started another and I kept journaling. Finally, I figured out how to get a domain, get hosted, get advertising and draw a strip. When it came together, I was so excited; fuzzycomix.com was the coolest thing I had ever done. For three months, every weekday, I published the best art and gags I could come up with. My job got bad and I started getting terrible headaches. I let the strip go and I found a new job. I miss Fuzzy, I miss the creative outlet. I still get friends and family who ask about it now and then - they were the only readers, but we were set to grow. Too bad.

I settled into the job I am at now. For nearly a year, all I had was my journal, which I rarely updated. I hadn't published anything in forever, my job had settled into a routine and so had my life. I started talking to Max about putting together a site that reflected what we emailed back and forth to each other. We constantly sent each other links, argued about stuff, etc. Anita again lead the way, she had a blog. Weblogs were brand new to me. But, I saw it as a way to do a different spin on the journal, and having two guys write it seemed great. Because of IWDC and the fact that we have been doing it for two years, Max and I rarely talk to each other outside the blog, but it's lasted this long and I'm proud of it.

But, this has still not been the creative outlet I seek. I've tried to make it what I need. I've started fiction for it, but it always seemed to be a waste in my rusty bucket of a brain. I have been mucking around with a "Choose Your Own Adventure" type game for the site called "Being Jericho". It's on it's fourth or fifth incarnation and I still don't have enough to make it worth releasing. I've talked about doing a web comic for the site - as if it wasn't crowded with enough other crap.

In the time IWDC has existed, I have actually bought the domain and hosted a sci-fi web mag that never saw it's first issue. I have plotted out at least two other web sites that never quite saw the light of day and I have come up with ideas for a dozen or so web comics. I bought army men for an idea I had using the digital camera. On my pad, right next to my PC, at this instant, there are a pair of robotic characters I drew that I am debating if I should do something with them or not!

I don't have enough time and I don't have enough energy and I don't have enough drive. I don't want to invest time, energy, effort and emotion into something if I don't think it's going to go somewhere. IWDC is throw-away. Sure, I could stop tomorrow and I would miss it, but it's just a hobby. I tried to throw it away before, but I missed it too much. It hurt to stop working on Fuzzy. It was like something curled up and died inside me. Every night for three months I posted a comic. I was constantly creative. It felt really, well ... wonderful; to have that creative thing happen. My muse was getting off right and left and I had a funny thing on the Internet. It was totally groovy and an addiction I miss terribly.

I want to write, I want to draw, I want to make music, I want to create! Not having the time or gumption is driving me crazy and I don't know what to do. I don't want to start something and not finish it. IWDC is not two years old yet and it seems like it's been around forever. How could I ever do a daily strip or write a novel? Arrrrgh!!!!