Max: It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas
Everything old is new again. The following is from a online column/blog I had on an old web site. I posted it in August of 1998. Because I am years ahead of Jericho.
One of the most traumatic experiences of my life happened to me last year around Christmas. I was entering my local Walgreens when I was confronted by the worst horror I think I have ever seen. It was a two foot tall plastic Christmas tree wearing a Santa Claus hat. It had large plastic eyes and a huge plastic grin. I tried to walk as far around it as I could, but still it managed to spot me. It cried out, "Merry Chrismas! HO HO HO!" and started to sing Jingle Bells. I was so scared I ran out of the store and didn't come back until after New Year's.
That was a horrible day. But that was nothing compared to what happened recently. A month ago I went into that self same Walgreens and to my horror, again found myself face to face with The Tree! For a moment, I froze. Is this a flashback? I asked myself. This can't be here. It's still summer, isn't it? I checked my watch to be sure I hadn't in fact slept the last four months away, that El Ninó hadn't resulted in an unseasonably warm December. It was still August, still summer. I reached out and touched the demon tree to make sure it wasn't a hallucination. I think it would have been better if it had been.
I could not believe my eyes. It was only August, the height of summer, and already Walgreens was decking the halls with boughs of holly. I could have lived with it if it had just been Walgreens. I can get cheap cigars and economy sized packages of Starburst (Opal Fruits to me mates in Britain) anywhere. But it wasn't. It was only a week later when Laura and I were in our friendly, neighborhood Wal-Mart when I found yet more Christmas decorations. Admittedly, they were tucked away in the back corner of the store, but they were there, openly displayed.. And it was just the other day when Laura and I were at one of her fave art supply stores and I saw Christmas decorations a mere aisle away from Halloween decorations.
It used to be that store owners waited until after a holiday was over before they started whoring the next one. It wasn't so long ago that the day after Thanksgiving (a day when we in the US celebrate freedom and turkeys) was the official start to the Christmas shopping season. It was a day when the sheep flocked to crowded shopping malls while those of us who prefered the thrill of doing our shopping on Christmas Eve stayed home and ate turkey sandwiches, made turkey soup and wished a swarm of locust would descend and carry off the rest of the previous day's leftovers.
Over the last few years, that tradition has been eroded. Slowly, almost subtly, stores started putting up decorations and advertising holiday sales earlier and earlier. I commented once that we were only a few years away from perpetual Christmas, from signs put up in stores on December 25 that say, "Only 365 more days until Christmas." I was joking. Once again, I am paying the price for confusing prophetic vision with sarcasm. It is still summer (or early fall, depending on which day you read this), but as far as the stores are concerned, Santa is already packing his sleigh.
But it is not just Christians who are being made to suffer. It only took them 5000 years, but marketers have realized that Hanuka can be gelded and turned into yet another annual sale. Unfortunately for African-Americans, it didn't take them quite as long to jump on Kwanza. Next thing you know, stores will be pushing their semi-annual Solstice sales.
I know the winter holidays are an important time for stores. It is the only time of the year my brother's tiny little guitar store actually shows a profit. But let's be reasonable. In my humble opinion, there was nothing wrong with waiting until late November to start the holiday push. It gives stores a month make their money. And it allows scrooges like me to not be driven mad by an endless holiday.
One of the most traumatic experiences of my life happened to me last year around Christmas. I was entering my local Walgreens when I was confronted by the worst horror I think I have ever seen. It was a two foot tall plastic Christmas tree wearing a Santa Claus hat. It had large plastic eyes and a huge plastic grin. I tried to walk as far around it as I could, but still it managed to spot me. It cried out, "Merry Chrismas! HO HO HO!" and started to sing Jingle Bells. I was so scared I ran out of the store and didn't come back until after New Year's.
That was a horrible day. But that was nothing compared to what happened recently. A month ago I went into that self same Walgreens and to my horror, again found myself face to face with The Tree! For a moment, I froze. Is this a flashback? I asked myself. This can't be here. It's still summer, isn't it? I checked my watch to be sure I hadn't in fact slept the last four months away, that El Ninó hadn't resulted in an unseasonably warm December. It was still August, still summer. I reached out and touched the demon tree to make sure it wasn't a hallucination. I think it would have been better if it had been.
I could not believe my eyes. It was only August, the height of summer, and already Walgreens was decking the halls with boughs of holly. I could have lived with it if it had just been Walgreens. I can get cheap cigars and economy sized packages of Starburst (Opal Fruits to me mates in Britain) anywhere. But it wasn't. It was only a week later when Laura and I were in our friendly, neighborhood Wal-Mart when I found yet more Christmas decorations. Admittedly, they were tucked away in the back corner of the store, but they were there, openly displayed.. And it was just the other day when Laura and I were at one of her fave art supply stores and I saw Christmas decorations a mere aisle away from Halloween decorations.
It used to be that store owners waited until after a holiday was over before they started whoring the next one. It wasn't so long ago that the day after Thanksgiving (a day when we in the US celebrate freedom and turkeys) was the official start to the Christmas shopping season. It was a day when the sheep flocked to crowded shopping malls while those of us who prefered the thrill of doing our shopping on Christmas Eve stayed home and ate turkey sandwiches, made turkey soup and wished a swarm of locust would descend and carry off the rest of the previous day's leftovers.
Over the last few years, that tradition has been eroded. Slowly, almost subtly, stores started putting up decorations and advertising holiday sales earlier and earlier. I commented once that we were only a few years away from perpetual Christmas, from signs put up in stores on December 25 that say, "Only 365 more days until Christmas." I was joking. Once again, I am paying the price for confusing prophetic vision with sarcasm. It is still summer (or early fall, depending on which day you read this), but as far as the stores are concerned, Santa is already packing his sleigh.
But it is not just Christians who are being made to suffer. It only took them 5000 years, but marketers have realized that Hanuka can be gelded and turned into yet another annual sale. Unfortunately for African-Americans, it didn't take them quite as long to jump on Kwanza. Next thing you know, stores will be pushing their semi-annual Solstice sales.
I know the winter holidays are an important time for stores. It is the only time of the year my brother's tiny little guitar store actually shows a profit. But let's be reasonable. In my humble opinion, there was nothing wrong with waiting until late November to start the holiday push. It gives stores a month make their money. And it allows scrooges like me to not be driven mad by an endless holiday.
posted by Max Dobberstein at 10/22/2003 07:49:00 AM
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