Max: What's Going On

Yesterday was my last day at Guitar Center.

It is no secret that I have long craved a life of adventure. Selling guitars was a thrill for a while. But the edge has long since worn dull. I was afraid I would never again feel the thrill I felt when I sold my first set of nickel-plated, stainless steel bass strings. Then, came the offer that would change my life.

I have been asked to join a super secret, ultra-clandestine, way undercover government operation. Now, instead of selling guitars, I will be out in the world, bringing death to America's enemies, fighting for fast food, blandly innoffensive television, sexual purity and all our sacred American values.

Of course, none of my nearest and dearest will even notice my absence. Using Technology ™, my organization will ensure that all my loved ones will never know I am gone. Only noble, loyal, dependable Guitar Center will feel the cold emptiness of my non-being-there-ness.

But, perhaps I have said too much.