Conservative Max: Finding Jesus

I haven't been around much. Part of it is because I can't stand being around my liberal former friend Jericho. His deep seated hatred of Jesus, America and morals is simply too much to take. Also, I have been trying to find Jesus. My first step to becoming a real, red-blooded, red-stated, American loving conservative is to become Christian.

I have spent every spare minute since my conversion started telling myself to believe in Jesus. I must confess (I hope that isn't too Catholic - fake Christians need not apply) that it hasn't been easy.

"Believe in Jesus," I tell myself. "Well, there is historical evidence of a Jesua bin Josef having been executed for preaching about a 'kingdom of God' around the time of the 1st century, and that he probably was the man we call Jesus." But that isn't good enough isn't. Historical evidence and other such liberal silliness are not true faith. I had to learn to truly believe without fact and evidence - even in complete opposition to them - if I was to become a true conservative.

So, I did what I think all true Christians do. I knelt down and prayed. "Jesus, I know I have failed you. I am not worthy of your salvation. But please come into my heart so that I might be able to destroy all who do not believe in your message of peace, tolerance and love."

Suddenly, I felt something deep inside me. I felt a voice telling me to go to a book store. I was torn. On the one hand, it could be my old liberal habits telling me to go buy pro-terrorist books by such Jesus hating anti-Americans like Michael Moore and Bill Maher. On the other hand, the Bible is a book. Maybe it was Jesus leading me to a Bible. I decided I would go, but be careful not to give in to my old, evil liberal nature.

I drove to my nearest book store and followed that voice as it guided me in, back, left, right left, right, right, right. I found myself in the cooking section with a copy of Everyday Seafood. I was confused. "Jesus," I said, "I don't understand. What does this mean?"

"You know, the Bible is cool and everything," a voice said, "but really, to be a good Christian you should just love people and take care of people who have it worse than you."

I was confused. Why would Jesus say such horrible, pro-terrorist things? Then I realized I wasn't hearing Jesus, but some hippy - some fake Christian - who had been standing near by, eavesdropping on my prayer. I considered taking his name down for future re-education, but decided my own conversion was a priority. So I took Jesus' cook book and have been contemplating it ever since. I think I may start with the catfish au lait.