Max: A Swift Surrender

I have been thinking about the results of this past election and how I should react to it. After considering all available options I have decided to switch sides. Let’s face it, the left is dead in the US. It's time to give up and go with the flow. In order to negotiate my surrender, I found some right-wing Christian Republicans; Kimmy, Bob, George (not that George) and Raoul; to offer guidance. The following are the highlights of our discussion which I hope will guide not just me but all of my fellow soon to be former liberals.

Kimmy: The most important thing is you must become a Christian.

I must admit that threw me for a bit of a loop. I had lost my faith a long time ago and knew it would be a challenge to get back. But, they were here to guide me and I knew I had to give in if I was to leave the left. In fact, the more I thought about it the more I liked the idea.

Me: Yeah. Yeah. I can do that. I've known some great Christians in my time. I knew this guy; Jason; when I lived in London. I admired him a lot - even envied him. His faith brought him a great deal of peace of mind and spirit and allowed him to find the best in everyone, to really welcome everyone with love. It seemed like when he met anyone, his first thought was to love them until they gave him a reason not to. And when they gave him a reason not to, he kept on loving them anyway…

I trailed off as I noticed the uncomfortable glances my new friends where giving each other.

Raoul: Max, that man was no Christian.

Me: No?

Bob: No. You see, Christ brought us a message of peace, love and salvation. The only way to spread that message is through force. You must go out and conquer the heathen.

Me: The heathen?

George: Yes, the heathen. Like Jews.

Raoul: Jews make me so sad. None of them have ever read the Bible. If only they read even just the first few books, they would stop hating Jesus immediately. And it's up to us to make them do it.

Kimmy: Do you see?

I didn’t, but this was a surrender and it was not for me to question.

Raoul: Next, and this is really important, don’t be gay.

Me: Gay?

Bob: Yeah, you know. Homo.

George: Look, we understand that sometimes it's hard to not be gay.

Bob placed his hand on George’s knee. Their eyes met. George’s tongue parted his lips, his saliva giving them a glistening sheen. Bob shifted in his seat and drew in a deep yet halting breath.

Bob: It is very…important…to not be…gay.

George: Yes, even though straight sex can be so unsatisfying and even a little gross, we have to be straight and make babies for Jesus.

Bob: Yes. Babies for Jesus.

I knew I had a lock on this one. Sure, when I was in my teens - controlled by hormones and denied sex in any form - I had all sorts of gay, straight and just plain twisted fantasies when alone in my room. Now I'm old, fat and free of the tyranny of testosterone and - much to my wife’s frustration - pretty much asexual. Of course, lately I have been waking up sticky with no clear memories of going to bed. I'm beginning to suspect that my wife has started slipping roofies into my ovaltine. But that's okay. It’s not like you need to be conscious to make babies for Jesus.

Me: Got it. Don’t be gay.

George: Next, gun control is bad.

Me: Right. I’m already there. I have long been against gun control.

Kimmy: No! You cannot be for gun control. Gun control is bad.

Me: Yeah. I'm with you. I remember going shooting with my wife and father-in-law at his gun club. I loved it. My brother-in-law is a hunter. I’m all for guns.

Bob: We know you are all for gun control. But you can’t anymore.

Me: But I haven’t…

They all rushed me shouting that gun control was bad, that I was a stupid hippy liberal and that if I knew what was good for me I had better just shut up. So, I did and they went back to their seats.

Raoul: Next, rich people should not be taxed. God hates it when rich people are taxed.

Me: Really?

Kimmy: Sure. It’s in the Bible, the story of Lazarus and the rich man. The rich man had all the food and stuff Jesus wanted him to have and that awful Lazarus wanted him to be taxed just do he wouldn’t have to get a job, so God killed Lazarus and sent him to hell where all hippies go. Or how Jesus chased the Jewish tax collectors out of his first Christian church.

Now, that’s not the way I heard it. But I was there to learn. I had been misled by the hippy liberal agenda before.

George: Finally, abortion is bad and must be stopped.

Me: I’m with you. Of course, we really need to attack the root causes of abortion to we can really put an end to…

Again with the uncomfortable looks.

Raoul: You see, that is pure liberal hooey. “Root causes.” You liberals always want to attack “root causes.” Just make it a capital offence and have done with it.

Kimmy: Yes. We must execute abortionists if we are to protect life.

Again, they kind of lost me on that one. So they decided that was enough for the time being. I was to work on what they had taught me. If I showed myself worthy, they would help me further. Today I begin my path away from the failed path of tolerance and social justice to a better world of right-wing Christian Republicanism. It's either that or stand on my priciples and fight to my last breath for what I believe to be right. And what good has that every done anyone?