Max: Brain Dump 10000
They say the the clothes make the man. I didn't realize how true that was until I stumbled into my closet and found my clothes working on actually building a man. He was definitely a man. They had gotten that far.
"Why not build a woman?" I asked.
"We're men's clothes."
"So?"
"If you wanted a woman, you should have bought women's clothes."
With a flash, I ran down to the basement to my secret closet. There I found, almost completed, a nun, a severe looking businesswoman and stripper. Not liking my odds, I decided to take a long vacation. I just hope that I don't come back to find the dude being built upstairs was having freaky foursomes with the women being built downstairs. I never get invited to the good parties.
*****
As I sat in my cell awaiting execution I realized I should have said, "Give me liberty or exile me to a country that will give me liberty." Talk about esprit d'escalier.
*****
After getting pick pocketed I started putting mouse traps in my pockets. I haven't gotten pick pocketed since, but I have no idea what to do with all of the dead mice.
*****
Adventure Man: The Baja 1000 is one hard drive.
Geek Man: How many gigs?
*****
Chess is a game of strategy. My strategy involves slipping my opponent some LSD just before the game.
*****
Manly Man: Are you still a virgin?
Geek Man: Does pirated hentai count?
*****
I wasn't afraid when the computers first took over the Earth. I was certain their superior intelligence would lead us to a golden age. It turns out that computers are uber-Christian and are pissed off about all the downloaded porn. I don't mind the daily flagellation, but learning the Bible in binary is a pain in the ass.
*****
Coffee Man: I love coffee.
TooMuchCoffeeMan: YEAHMETOOINFACTITHINKIMGOINGTOGO GETANOTHEREIGHTORNINECUPS.
*****
People think that the fact the I talk to myself means I'm crazy. Untrue. The pile of rotting corpses in my basement, those mean I'm crazy.
*****
I'm not lazy. I just think it is good for everything I own to have a protective layer of dust.
*****
Everybody says I'm paranoid. I know they're just doing it for my own good.
*****
I stopped taking the medication when I realized that the voices in my head are better conversationalists than my friends.
*****
Is my interest in neurology just a sign that my brain is narcissitic?
*****
Today the meteorological community was stunned when it was discovered that thunder is in fact caused by angels bowling.
*****
If it wasn't for caffeine I would not get any caffeine at all. But that is beside the point. What I am trying to tell you is that there is no time like the present. Except possibly the future. At least I hope it is. If the future is not like the present it will really suck when it knocks the present on its ass and takes over as the new present. The problem is entropy. Particles don't like to hang out with other particles if they can avoid it. You can't reason with them, either. I've been talking to the shards of my broken window for over a month, but I just can't convince them to put together a reunion. Sometimes I think I am wasting my time. But then I realize that I don't own time, the Universe does. And the Universe has all the time in the Universe. It can hardly begrudge me a little one-on-one time with my window.
Another problem is gravity. I love the Earth. It doesn't need to be so clingy. I try talking to it. I tell it that I would die without it. Sure other people have left it, but they always came back. We're still working on a few issues, me and the Earth. But love will win out.
*****
I find I am not very attracted to magnates. They're okay, I can hang with them. But they are too bipolar.
*****
It's not that life is too short or that death is too long. It's just, what if I forget something when I pack?
*****
I only have eyes for you. But I'm not done with them, so you'll need to wait.
*****
Type A: Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Type B: As long as it isn't the only day of the rest of my life.
*****
It turns out you can take it with you when you die. But the import duties are huge.
*****
As time goes on, we will find that dogs have stopped evolving. Once you can lick your own genitals, what else do you need?
*****
Hallucinogens are the only drugs that offer a movie with your flight.
*****
1: I have heard of places called "libraries" where they have "books". In these books are language represented by printed characters of various shapes.
2: How did you learn of these "libraries"?
1: I read about them.
*****
If it weren't for the masses of women who throw themselves at me, willing to let me do with them as I please, I wouldn't have any sex life at all.
*****
Snot is just nature's way of saying it couldn't think of a better way to keep shit out of your nose.
*****
If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning. I'd hammer in the evening. But most of all I'll knock the asshole who lives upstairs upside his head.
*****
When I was in high school, the guidance counselor asked me what I would do if I had a million dollars. The point of the exercise was to find a way to make a living doing whatever I came up with. Unfortunately, it turns out that having sex with prostitutes is not considered a valid career.
*****
Smoking pot will not solve your problems. On the plus side, you won't care about them as much.
"Why not build a woman?" I asked.
"We're men's clothes."
"So?"
"If you wanted a woman, you should have bought women's clothes."
With a flash, I ran down to the basement to my secret closet. There I found, almost completed, a nun, a severe looking businesswoman and stripper. Not liking my odds, I decided to take a long vacation. I just hope that I don't come back to find the dude being built upstairs was having freaky foursomes with the women being built downstairs. I never get invited to the good parties.
*****
As I sat in my cell awaiting execution I realized I should have said, "Give me liberty or exile me to a country that will give me liberty." Talk about esprit d'escalier.
*****
After getting pick pocketed I started putting mouse traps in my pockets. I haven't gotten pick pocketed since, but I have no idea what to do with all of the dead mice.
*****
Adventure Man: The Baja 1000 is one hard drive.
Geek Man: How many gigs?
*****
Chess is a game of strategy. My strategy involves slipping my opponent some LSD just before the game.
*****
Manly Man: Are you still a virgin?
Geek Man: Does pirated hentai count?
*****
I wasn't afraid when the computers first took over the Earth. I was certain their superior intelligence would lead us to a golden age. It turns out that computers are uber-Christian and are pissed off about all the downloaded porn. I don't mind the daily flagellation, but learning the Bible in binary is a pain in the ass.
*****
Coffee Man: I love coffee.
TooMuchCoffeeMan: YEAHMETOOINFACTITHINKIMGOINGTOGO GETANOTHEREIGHTORNINECUPS.
*****
People think that the fact the I talk to myself means I'm crazy. Untrue. The pile of rotting corpses in my basement, those mean I'm crazy.
*****
I'm not lazy. I just think it is good for everything I own to have a protective layer of dust.
*****
Everybody says I'm paranoid. I know they're just doing it for my own good.
*****
I stopped taking the medication when I realized that the voices in my head are better conversationalists than my friends.
*****
Is my interest in neurology just a sign that my brain is narcissitic?
*****
Today the meteorological community was stunned when it was discovered that thunder is in fact caused by angels bowling.
*****
If it wasn't for caffeine I would not get any caffeine at all. But that is beside the point. What I am trying to tell you is that there is no time like the present. Except possibly the future. At least I hope it is. If the future is not like the present it will really suck when it knocks the present on its ass and takes over as the new present. The problem is entropy. Particles don't like to hang out with other particles if they can avoid it. You can't reason with them, either. I've been talking to the shards of my broken window for over a month, but I just can't convince them to put together a reunion. Sometimes I think I am wasting my time. But then I realize that I don't own time, the Universe does. And the Universe has all the time in the Universe. It can hardly begrudge me a little one-on-one time with my window.
Another problem is gravity. I love the Earth. It doesn't need to be so clingy. I try talking to it. I tell it that I would die without it. Sure other people have left it, but they always came back. We're still working on a few issues, me and the Earth. But love will win out.
*****
I find I am not very attracted to magnates. They're okay, I can hang with them. But they are too bipolar.
*****
It's not that life is too short or that death is too long. It's just, what if I forget something when I pack?
*****
I only have eyes for you. But I'm not done with them, so you'll need to wait.
*****
Type A: Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Type B: As long as it isn't the only day of the rest of my life.
*****
It turns out you can take it with you when you die. But the import duties are huge.
*****
As time goes on, we will find that dogs have stopped evolving. Once you can lick your own genitals, what else do you need?
*****
Hallucinogens are the only drugs that offer a movie with your flight.
*****
1: I have heard of places called "libraries" where they have "books". In these books are language represented by printed characters of various shapes.
2: How did you learn of these "libraries"?
1: I read about them.
*****
If it weren't for the masses of women who throw themselves at me, willing to let me do with them as I please, I wouldn't have any sex life at all.
*****
Snot is just nature's way of saying it couldn't think of a better way to keep shit out of your nose.
*****
If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning. I'd hammer in the evening. But most of all I'll knock the asshole who lives upstairs upside his head.
*****
When I was in high school, the guidance counselor asked me what I would do if I had a million dollars. The point of the exercise was to find a way to make a living doing whatever I came up with. Unfortunately, it turns out that having sex with prostitutes is not considered a valid career.
*****
Smoking pot will not solve your problems. On the plus side, you won't care about them as much.
posted by Max Dobberstein at 10/27/2006 08:01:00 AM
6 Comments:
Many gold nuggets dug from that ditch.
(Must go look up hentai now)
You have probably looked up hentai by now, haven't you?
So sorry! You should have learned that lesson by now! :)
Thank goodness for wikipedia. I hate to think of what would have happened if I typed that in as a search. Myself and my computer might not have recovered.
And it sounded like such a pretty little word. Ewww.
What's a little demon vine sex between you and your computer or VCR?
Japanese _is_ a pretty language. Just listen to the word "sushi" - sushi - Sushi would be a pretty name for a girl if it wasn't associated with, well, ya know ...
MMMMMM, vegephilia.
Hey Max, some of these would make cute greeting cards. It's a freelance biz, greeting cards is ...
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