Max: Breakdown Lane
If anybody is wondering (or even cares) why my posts have dropped back to occasional news links, it is because I am insane again.
For one month I knew what it was like to be free of depression. I knew what it felt to be happy to wake up and face the day. I knew what it felt like to have the motivation and brain capacity to learn, read, write or whatever struck my fancy that day. I knew what it was like to not be irritated by things that no sane man should be irritated by. I knew what it felt like to talk to a person, even a complete stranger, and have no fear of what they might think of me if I dared be myself.
Now I am back where I started. I'm worse because I now know what it really feels like to be a functional human being. I hope that sometime soon my Dr. and I will find something that works and keeps working. But I am also afraid because I would not be the first member of my family to fight a long, losing battle with depression. And quite frankly I am not, nor have I ever been, as strong as her.
For one month I knew what it was like to be free of depression. I knew what it felt to be happy to wake up and face the day. I knew what it felt like to have the motivation and brain capacity to learn, read, write or whatever struck my fancy that day. I knew what it was like to not be irritated by things that no sane man should be irritated by. I knew what it felt like to talk to a person, even a complete stranger, and have no fear of what they might think of me if I dared be myself.
Now I am back where I started. I'm worse because I now know what it really feels like to be a functional human being. I hope that sometime soon my Dr. and I will find something that works and keeps working. But I am also afraid because I would not be the first member of my family to fight a long, losing battle with depression. And quite frankly I am not, nor have I ever been, as strong as her.
posted by Max Dobberstein at 12/16/2006 07:59:00 PM
8 Comments:
Oh, Dammit, maybe I'm not doing as well as I had thought, happiness upon waking, motivation AND brain capacity you mean they're not mutually exclusive, and there are actually people out there who have no fear when being themselves with strangers. :( and here I thought I had made great progress, being able to slog through the day without a nap (most days anyway) and as far as being myself with others, I had finally given up on doing that fearlessly, I was just trying to do it while working through the fear... maybe someday there will be a cure, a nice easy little pill
Right now it doesn't feel so much as a cure as an elusive tease.
These are the things that scare the hell out of me!
Okay, losing my mind scares me worse that losing my life. So, fucking around with my brain chemistry seems to me to be the same as waving a loaded gun at my head with the safety off.
Doctors are smart people and I trust them, but I also understand them. As a diagnostitian myself (for computer brains) there is a process to trouble shooting an issue. You gather your information and symptoms. You compare this information to what you know, what the books say and what other knowledgable people know. Then you try the best guess. If you guessed right, and often you do, this fixes the issue. If you guessed wrong, often you get zero results and need to try your second best guess. In rare cases, you guessed so badly, usually due to rare issues or erronious information, that you create more problems. All troubleshooters follow this process, no matter how many letters they have after their name.
The problem with the human brain is that it is FAR more complex than any computer (for the moment) and, unlike computers, our "tools" are not simple screw drivers and software patches.
The medical community has a great deal of information on what the drugs they dispense will do - on average. The problem is that few humans are average. We also frequently change. A change in diet or stress or chemical intake can radically change how a drug will behave in our systems.
So, doctors do their trouble shooting. They find a drug they think will work and then they roll the dice. Often, the drug works, at least for a while. More often than not, the body changes, tolerances build, drugs stop working.
If the drug stops working, they have to start from scratch again. Everytime things are changed, you run the risk of making things worse.
Case in point: friend of mine in college is ADHD and on Ritalin. They decide she has been on said drug for too long, the drug is having negative effects. So, they take her off. Cold Turkey. She flunks out of school that semester - no shocker there. She dives into a brain sucking depression that lasts for a good two years as she copes with not being on the drug and goes through what amounted to withdrawl.
She returned to school a very changed woman. The previously Type A, uptight Catholic was now a slouchy, liberal hippie. Neither version of her was bad, but they were light-years apart. And, in the process, she went through two years of hell. Would things have been better if they left her on the drug? Would they have been better if they had never drugged her at all? I don't know.
What I'm saying here is that the human brain is a chemical computer. Change the chemicals, change the programming. Max said something once that strikes home everytime I think about it. He was joking around, and this is far simplified, but he said "InstaLiberal - just add LSD!" While I doubt you could make Bush-Chainey into Cheech and Chong with one trip, I'm betting their world view would change a bit.
The brain is complex and the tools at the disposal of doctors are still grenade-like at best. I fear the day when I must succumb to these measures to function. Will I still be me when I come out the other side? Will I want to be me when I do?
Max, I don't know if there is anything I can do, but you name it and I'll give it a shot. I love you and I miss you and I worry about you. I care a great deal and so do many of us around you. Somehow, things will get better, I swear. If nothing else, they are developing new and better drugs all the time. Things might suck for now, but the drugs will get better. I'm hoping that brain nanites are as close as Kurtzweil thinks they are!
Max, I don't know if there is anything I can do, but you name it and I'll give it a shot.
Get rich and support my broken brained ass.
Fredrick: Would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in?
Igor: And you won't be angry?
Fredrick: I will not be angry!
Igor: Abby Someone.
Fredrick: Abby Someone. Abby Who?
Igor: Abby Normal.
Fredrick: Abby Normal.
Igor: I'm almost sure that was the name.
Okay, just for you I will FINALLY start trying to get rich.
It's about time, you lazy bitch.
Max,
As people keep telling me, "You are much stronger than you think you are."
Thank you for saying you believe I'm strong. I have some work to do before I believe it consistently. But you are strong, you have been strong, and you will continue to be strong.
Keep working with your doc and if he doesn't help, find another one.
And, as Jericho said, I love you, and I'll help any way I can. But just so you know, riches do not seem to be in my near (or distant) future.
Love ya!
Me
Which one of us graduated high school and which one of us got thrown out twice?
Which one of us graduated college Suma Cum Laude and which one of us graduated college Thank The Laude?
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