Jericho: Gotta be Crazy.
I once talked a girl out of dating me by giving her these lyrics. Not my intended reaction. But, then again, maybe it was my unconscious intention. I don't think I thought I was worthy of happiness. Crazy, depressed kid. I thought creativity and depth came from my depression. It was an addiction and I cultivated it because at least I felt something.
I always wanted to be like the lead singer in this video. So cool, pony tail mullet and all. Beautiful, alluring, insane women stalking me. All the while, walking around a mansion in my white tie and tales, belting out a Top 40 smash hit. I wanted the whole fantasy. But, I was never that cool. Not even a little. Heck, I'm not even cool enough to put a video of my fat ass swinging a light saber on YouTube.
So, as I dip my nose, cut my thrust, dropping toward 40 and oblivion, I am faced with the fact that depth is not a measure of who and what you are, but it is a measure of how little everyone understands you. I don't have video sluts stalking me, true, but my wife hasn't left me and taken half my stuff. I don't have a Top 40 hit, gold records on the wall or even a recording contract, but I do have a bald guy mullet and a steady job that is driving me bat-shit. And, this is the most important thing, I don't have to be depressed to feel something. I haven't been depressed in years - and every day that I go to work I feel angry, frustrated, useless and impotent.
Everything works out in the end. Crazy.
posted by Jericho Brown at 4/09/2007 06:39:00 PM
14 Comments:
I actively shared that '80's rock star fantasy with you. I've since learned that fame and depth are not the same thing.
Often times, depth is where you and I least expected to find it. To quote Brad Warner, Punk Rock bassist and Zen priest;
But what we call “mundane experience” is the truly important matter. If you’re a healthy person most of your life is what usually gets categorized as “mundane experience.” You get up, you brush your teeth, you make the bed, you do the leftover dishes from last night… Add up the time spent doing stuff that’s “mundane” and compare it with stuff that’s kick-ass and you’ll see that you spend a lot more of your life doing the mundane stuff. People who try to have it any other way always end up going nutso.
But this supposedly “mundane” stuff is the real activity of the Universe. This is what really needs doing. The kick-ass stuff is a diversion that keeps you away from your real duty. Which isn’t to say you should never have any fun. Just don’t get confused into believing that the ideal life is one in which everything is always kick-ass. And especially don’t get confused into thinking the goal of life is to get out of this mundane world into the kick-ass world way off in some higher plane.
Name the last "kick ass" thing you did.
I passed the Network+ test.
That's your example?
I mean, it's an accomplishment, but you consider it "kick ass"? Have our standards fallen that far? "I'm now an even bigger geek!" is the high-bar over which we pole vault? "Maybe I can get a better job because I demonstrated I can learn obscure facts about thirty year old technology - most of which no one uses anymore" is what we are comparing to "I got my first gold record"?!?!?
I gotta tell you, I think I'd give up my upcoming Network+ test for a hotel room wrecking party with my band members and twenty drunken representatives of our local fan club.
Okay. It seems your definition of "kick ass" includes only things that you know I have never done (gotten a gold record, toured with a rock band). Why even ask? Did you just feel a need to shit on me and my mediocre accomplishments?
When I asked the question, I was hoping you would reach for "Bass Camp" instead of something more recent, and I was going to make the point that we don't get enough "kick ass".
But, I think you illustrated my point way better than I could. My most recent kick ass moment? Jumping on the scale last week and find out I weighed 486! Never mind that this amount is still 11 pounds higher than I started two or so years ago.
We have lowered our standards so low that "a good steak" is our substitute for "Winning Boston Marathon" - "got the house cleaned up before company arrived" is our "won Hugo award".
Okay, when we were kids, we were reaching well beyond our grasp. We had some unattainable ideals. If I had accually taken the time to learn to play drums and had failed, that would have been one thing, but I'm not even that smart. I guess I expected one day to wake up and have skillz or something.
Now, I'm hoping I can scrape by on a few certification exams so I can trade this cruddy tech job for another, maybe higher paying cruddy tech job. Maybe a slow trickle of money, invested properly, might get me out of this crap before I turn 50. Playing the lotto hasn't worked, so this is my only hope.
It's a far cry from throwing full bottles of Kyrstal to the homeless in Hollywood from the sun roof of my limo.
I define "accomplishments" as things I control. I didn't decided whether or not I got into bass camp. Even if I had woodshedded 12 hours a day for the past 16 years and developed skillz to make Victa cry, that would be no guarantee that I would have sold an album or gone on a world tour.
I control whether or not I write a story or a song. I control what sacrifice I make in the name of trying for something better.
So, you feel you have enough "kick ass" in your life, then?
What is enough?
I could always use more "kick ass", just as I could always use more gourmet dark chocolate or perfectly prepare medium rare prime rib. The question is, do I sweat the lack of it, or do what I can to make it happen?
Okay, be difficult.
Are you satisfied with the amount of "kick ass" in your life.
Dodge the question all you want, I will rephrase and ask again.
I thought was clear. I want more "kick ass". I just have too much else to deal with to sweat the fact the I am not a rock star.
When I was a kid I knew, KNEW!, I was destined for great things.
Around high school I was certain great things were going to come my way - life sucked then, but it was going to get better.
After college, I was hoping things would get better.
Now, I realize that this is about it. I blew so many chances. I didn't take the risks and I didn't research the opportunities. I didn't even know what to look for if I had gone searching. So, I'm where I am because I did the things I did.
And, now, I'm stuck here.
I have a hope that retirement will come early and rescue me. Short of that, I'm the dork who programs the voicemail system for a bunch of lawyers who don't give a shit and even that is being taken from me.
So, yeah, when I see something that inspired me from my past, I get nostalgic and I regret all the roads I didn't take.
I have always wanted to be more than I am and I have always wanted more than I have and I have always wanted the BBD. I have never known why I want these things or how to get them. The desire has never changed.
It's not just being a rock star - being a rock star wasn't really much in the cards for me, I don't think. No tolerance for boose or other mood altering substances would stand in the way of my career advancing. I would say that I have no musical talent, but that hasn't stopped several popular artists.
I wanted to be an astronaut. I wanted to be an archeologist. Being a politician has come up several times. I missed all of these for one reason or another. Those are just the majors. There are dozens of minor "people" I wanted to be as well: artist, writer, cartoonist, traveler, etc. I'm none of that. I'm a tiny cog missing several teeth, rarely greased, in one of the least efficient machines known to man. Eventually, I will be replaced with a newer, cheaper part.
How the fuck did I screw up so badly I ended up here? Why can I not figure out a way to NOT be here? Proof positive I am no where near as smart as I like to think I am.
There is one thing I learned during my brief bought of non-depression. The best thing you can do is find something you love doing and make the time to do it.
if you boys don't mind me breaking into the conversation....
Regret is a wasted emotion, an indulgence that is a waste of time. What happens in your life is up to you. At 35,40,50, or even 90 your life is not over and things can change for the better if you want them to. Your life ends when you are dead,everything up until that point is negotiable and up to you to mold into whatever shape you see fit. I could go on for days but Your options are still open, you're not dead yet, what you really want in life is obtainable, if you're willing to pay the price. Yeah, I think that pretty much sums it up.
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