Max: A Recent Email Exchange

Me: BTW, anti-depressants are working. Just a little stressed and more annoyed than usual at ending up exactly where I did not want to be.

Jericho: You and me both, pal.

I feel like I'm back in STL again, only this time I'm working. I hate this job, I can't find another job and I can't just leave this job.

I'm totally trapped. There is nothing I can do. To counter this, I'm dosing on my favorite anti-depressant: food. This will eventually destroy my health. I can't think of a slower way to commit suicide.

No anti-depressant is going to get me another job and until I get out of here I'm not going to feel better.

This is so where I wanted to be at age 36.

Me: Anti-depressants aren't for everyone. There is a growing reluctance to give them out to people in your spot - people with a damn good reason to be stressed/depressed. In your case, you would likely be prescribed talk therapy and/or a trip to a career counselor along with getting exercise.

For me, the anti-depressants just seem to stave off that dark, dank cavern of depression. I think I am going to have to pull myself back (or is it for the first time) to being fully functional. My job has actually helped. I used to think that work would never be as tolerable as this job is. It isn't my dream job, but at least I am paying my bills on time and getting treated with a modicum of respect. Last week was bad because I got hit with a pile of bad mojo all at once. I was not happy at being switched from 3:30-Midnight to Noon-8:30. I was less pleased that the current overtime regime requires me to be here at 10:30. Still, it would have been a lot more doable had I not been hit by the flu. I was so worn out and cranky that I took everything the wrong way and saw the schedule change as an affront to my nocturnal nature. Until I started vomiting early Thursday morning - indicating that I had the flu - the only conclusions I could reach for why I felt so shitty were either life sucks hairy weirdo ass or that I was losing my mind. Now that I am mostly over the flu, things are once again tolerable at work. Lack of Charter level work stress has helped a great deal.

There is just the rest of my health to deal with. I am not the heaviest I have ever been (I'm about 30 lbs shy of that). I am in horrible shape none-the-less and that cannot be good for my mental health. The only times I am not sitting are when I get up to hit the bathroom or grab a Coke 0, or as I like to call it "Naughty Coke".

I need to get myself in better shape. I got a small exercise bike sitting under my desk at work and am try to use it when I can. Now that the weather is getting better I may start taking walks on lunch. When I get lunch breaks again, that is. I know that if I am in better shape, I will feel better physically and mentally.

Beyond that, I am trying to make better use of my "free" time. I am trying to read more, play bass more and generally engage in constructive rather than vegetative activities.

Of course, as I saw last week, my hopes and plans can be easily lost in the fog. A little flu bug was all it took to drive me nearly to the edge last week. Part of me is waiting in fear for when I really snap. One of these days they may find me curled up and weeping on the floor because I saw a really killer bass that I will never get to play, and my brain decided that was as good as an excuse as any to rid myself of all sanity based encumbrances.

But, I could as easily get hit by a bus, get cancer or have a heart attack. Unless our Singularity friends are right, something will get me one way or another. Even if they are right, there's nothing to say I won't get killed by something we can't even imagine. I just have to figure what to do with myself in the meantime.

So, I am going to go post this...