Jericho: My Life in a Nutshell
This is a recent email string between myself and a friend. The string has been slightly edited to protect the creeps involved!
Friend: Wanna run off to Mexico? Wait, too warm. The San Juans? Nah, too rural. Hmmm Vancouver, BC?
Me: I'm in for BC and all points north. When do we leave?
Wait - is this a "Ferris Bueler" thing, a quick vacation thing or are we gee ohh ehch enn ... gohn? :)
I'd prefer the latter!
Friend: Well, we should wait until tomorrow – I have to get some money. Canada is expensive nowadays.
Me: At this stage I don't care about rural. Come to think of it, I'm not sure I care about warm, either. Someplace cheap and far away sounds really good.
You still haven't told me if this is a vacation or if we are running away forever ... ?
Are we going to give the spouses a chance to come along, or are we just leaving notes that say "You should have known better!" ... ?
Friend: I have no plans to come back. I'm ok with giving the spouses a shot.
Me: Okay, so, we leave tomorrow.
Tonight is going to take a lot of planning. We're going to fuck our credit - so we should look for a non-extraditionary country.
I hear Cyprus is becoming quite the little bed of hedonistic evil these days. Lots of Republican plots and international intrigue. I don't know about their extradition status. Interested?
Friend: I don't think they can get you extradited for credit issues. That is usually a criminal issue. What we need is a place where we can live cheaply but has air conditioning.
Me: Dubai?
Friend: You think we can live cheaply in Dubai? Are you nuts?
Afghanistan, Gabon, Philippines, Algeria, Guinea, Qatar, Angola, Guinea Bissau, Rwanda, Bahrain, Indonesia, Samoa, Bangladesh, Iran, Sao Tome e Principe, Benin, Ivory Coast, Saudi Arabia, Bhutan, Jordan, Senegal, Botswana, Kuwait, Somalia, Brunei, Laos, Sudan, Burkina, Faso, Lebanon, Syria, Burundi, Libya, Togo, Cambodia, Madagascar, Tunisia, Cameroon, Mali, Uganda, Cape Verde, Maldives, Central African Republic Mauritania, United Arab Emirates, Chad, Mongolia, Vanuatu, China, Morocco, Vietnam Comoros, Mozambique, Yemen, Djibouti, Nepal, Yemen, South Equatorial Guinea, Niger, Zaire, Ethiopia Oman, Zimbabwe
Me: Oh! I've got it. You'll love this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Novo_Hamburgo
Friend: I don't understand.
Me: Novo Hamburgo! It's our new home!
It's Brasil. It doesn't look too hot or too rich. It's near(ish) to water. It has a serious German influence (you like, yes?).
Check it out!
We sell our cars and what not. We set up a series of train routes, maybe a cheap plane if we can find one, as far south as we can. Then we go by bus. Then we go native!
Once we are there, we buy a little business. I should be able to cash out my 401k - more than enough to start a business and put a down payment on a nice place.
We don't even necessarily have to kill our credit ratings. We just pay our bills from there. We should be prepared to renounce our citizenship to apply for a visa or permanent residence or citizenship.
What do you think?
Friend: I can learn Portuguese!
Me: This is what I'm saying!
So, how do you want to break it to the spouses? Mine's in class tonight until 10 PM. If you can talk yours into it, come to our place and we'll talk Steph into it.
What do you think?
Friend: I'm worried that you are serious. :)
Me: Don't worry ... of course I'm serious! Are you?
Friend: No. I'm too practical. Sorry.
Me: There's no way I could ever talk Steph into it. Move even further from her parents? I'm sure she'd rather divorce me.
I'd pull a stunt like this in a minute!
Friend: Wanna run off to Mexico? Wait, too warm. The San Juans? Nah, too rural. Hmmm Vancouver, BC?
Me: I'm in for BC and all points north. When do we leave?
Wait - is this a "Ferris Bueler" thing, a quick vacation thing or are we gee ohh ehch enn ... gohn? :)
I'd prefer the latter!
Friend: Well, we should wait until tomorrow – I have to get some money. Canada is expensive nowadays.
Me: At this stage I don't care about rural. Come to think of it, I'm not sure I care about warm, either. Someplace cheap and far away sounds really good.
You still haven't told me if this is a vacation or if we are running away forever ... ?
Are we going to give the spouses a chance to come along, or are we just leaving notes that say "You should have known better!" ... ?
Friend: I have no plans to come back. I'm ok with giving the spouses a shot.
Me: Okay, so, we leave tomorrow.
Tonight is going to take a lot of planning. We're going to fuck our credit - so we should look for a non-extraditionary country.
I hear Cyprus is becoming quite the little bed of hedonistic evil these days. Lots of Republican plots and international intrigue. I don't know about their extradition status. Interested?
Friend: I don't think they can get you extradited for credit issues. That is usually a criminal issue. What we need is a place where we can live cheaply but has air conditioning.
Me: Dubai?
Friend: You think we can live cheaply in Dubai? Are you nuts?
Afghanistan, Gabon, Philippines, Algeria, Guinea, Qatar, Angola, Guinea Bissau, Rwanda, Bahrain, Indonesia, Samoa, Bangladesh, Iran, Sao Tome e Principe, Benin, Ivory Coast, Saudi Arabia, Bhutan, Jordan, Senegal, Botswana, Kuwait, Somalia, Brunei, Laos, Sudan, Burkina, Faso, Lebanon, Syria, Burundi, Libya, Togo, Cambodia, Madagascar, Tunisia, Cameroon, Mali, Uganda, Cape Verde, Maldives, Central African Republic Mauritania, United Arab Emirates, Chad, Mongolia, Vanuatu, China, Morocco, Vietnam Comoros, Mozambique, Yemen, Djibouti, Nepal, Yemen, South Equatorial Guinea, Niger, Zaire, Ethiopia Oman, Zimbabwe
Me: Oh! I've got it. You'll love this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Novo_Hamburgo
Friend: I don't understand.
Me: Novo Hamburgo! It's our new home!
It's Brasil. It doesn't look too hot or too rich. It's near(ish) to water. It has a serious German influence (you like, yes?).
Check it out!
We sell our cars and what not. We set up a series of train routes, maybe a cheap plane if we can find one, as far south as we can. Then we go by bus. Then we go native!
Once we are there, we buy a little business. I should be able to cash out my 401k - more than enough to start a business and put a down payment on a nice place.
We don't even necessarily have to kill our credit ratings. We just pay our bills from there. We should be prepared to renounce our citizenship to apply for a visa or permanent residence or citizenship.
What do you think?
Friend: I can learn Portuguese!
Me: This is what I'm saying!
So, how do you want to break it to the spouses? Mine's in class tonight until 10 PM. If you can talk yours into it, come to our place and we'll talk Steph into it.
What do you think?
Friend: I'm worried that you are serious. :)
Me: Don't worry ... of course I'm serious! Are you?
Friend: No. I'm too practical. Sorry.
Me: There's no way I could ever talk Steph into it. Move even further from her parents? I'm sure she'd rather divorce me.
I'd pull a stunt like this in a minute!
posted by Jericho Brown at 4/21/2008 11:38:00 AM
20 Comments:
I have been feeling less than wonderful recently. I slept most of this weekend. I had vivid dreams about all the dreams I never even started to pursue because they were too risky. So I safely settled into my current shitty position.
And I am starting my week with another 10 hour shift and a queue that will not die.
How about if we all just get together and buy a fore-closed farm in some nice place - say a rectangle state. We can grow environmentally conscious fuel grains or algae and live like dirty hippies.
Anyone? Hello?
http://www.algaelink.com/
My overall wealth took a serious hit when I filled my tank this morning. Right now I couldn't get enough money together to buy into an ant farm.
I am not living in a rectangle state. No, no, no.
Canada? Max, you could hitch hike - just show a little leg. You'll get truck drivers panting for miles!
My American Pesos won't get me much in Canada, damn them and their real money.
As for hitch hiking, with my luck I would get picked up by some psycho who would skin me and sell my pelt to the Hair Club for Men.
I tell ya, I wish I could pull it off. Buy a ranch in a desert region; New Mexico, Utah, even Eastern Washington. Set up an algae growing facility. Set up a bio-diesel operation on site. Go from sun to crop to fuel all in one place. It would be an expensive deal - but I think it would turn a profit in short order.
I'm sick of working my ass off and reaping no rewards. I'm tired of losing my mind while I help make someone else rich.
I'm tired.
Wow!
http://www.unh.edu/p2/biodiesel/article_alge.html
... and that article is 4 years old!
Did you know that hybrid vehicles can be easily converted into a pluggable hybrids that can go 40 miles on one overnight charge. For someone like me, that would mean I would almost never use combustible fuel at all.
It would be easier to set up shop performing these upgrades.
You want to farm?
Ya know - if I had to choose between where I am and farming, someone hand me a straw hat and find me a tractor!
Max, do you know how to upgrade a hybrid to be a pluggable hybrid? I don't. However, I do know how to grow algae - you should see my bathroom!
*BA-Dump-bump-tsch!*
And you know about converting matter to gas. I'm surprised the walls at my parents' house never melted from your onslaught.
ewwwwww
That house was old and solid! Their new condo probably wouldn't fare so well ... :)
In my own defense, my gaseousness rarely stank. Why was I so gassy? I drank more soda in 8 hours than the average grade school in a week.
I'm going to have to ask you to define "rarely". Or "stank". Either way, the common usage of those words in that order do not match with my experience of your posterior explosions.
Yes I am a pot. Yes you are black. I'm still calling you out.
You only smelled the stinky ones. The other 90% that I silently fired off never bothered you - with the exception of the fainting.
I also think that your perceptions might be colored by a couple of times we got nachos at 7-11. Those things were A-Bombs in a bowl! I think we were both firing at will! After that, if I fired a non-stinky one, I'm sure you still cowered in your boots!
There was also the night I got the huge bag of Arby's and you refused to partake due to the fact that they were drenched in sauce. Whatever is in that sauce that makes it orange is volatile! It shouldn't be taken internally!
I'm not saying I can't clear a room. I could probably do it at an Olympic level. I'm just saying that you often reacted violently to the really loud, disgusting sounding ones that never stank a bit!
I have to agree with Jason in this case, at least it has been my experience that his gaseous emissions are much like him...loud and well...loud! The thing is that they do lack a certain odiferous quality. I cannot explain it other than someone hates him because I do not have the same skill. He must have rolled a good one or something to have earned that super power. I would say about 90% of the time he's odor free - just disgusting sounding.
My wife failed her "Non-gamer using geeky gamer references" roll (Try the d20 next time instead of the d12, dear.) But she gets and Honorable Mention and a Tee-Ball trophy! Yay!
I do remember one that sounded like a wounded, rabid coyote with a taste for meat. When I didn't smell it, I assumed it was lurking close to the floor, waiting to rise up and kill us all.
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Can't stop laughing!
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