Max: A Kvetching Observed
I've got no one to blame but my fat self
--They Might Be Giants
I have no rational reason to be miserable. There is nothing outside of myself that I could change to make myself happy. I used to fool myself that all I needed was a new job, more money, more books, a fancy custom bass or whatever and I would finally be happy.
But none of those are my real problem. Instead, chemicals in my head are zigging when they should zag. So despite a decent, easy, well paying job where I am treated with more respect than I ever expected; I am miserable. Kevin Smith could call me tomorrow and make me his new project, teaching me the ins and outs of film making while giving me fun, freaky character roles in his movies and I would still be miserable. If I had actually spent my teens and twenties building a career as a full time writer, right now I would be miserable. If I won the lottery, in the end I would be miserable. I have three rather nice basses that I hardly ever play. If I had twenty high-end custom basses, I would have twenty high-end custom basses I hardly ever play.
What I fear more than anything is that I will never escape this, that I will never get my brain to function right. I take five pills every day to keep the worst of it at bay, but I am still miserable. I am by no means suicidal. But when I think that I could well spend the next 30-40 years like I am now, I just want to go back to bed and cry for a few years.
Anyway, I need to go to a decent job -- one better than I dared hope for -- and hate it and myself for 8.5 hours.
posted by Max Dobberstein at 6/03/2008 09:05:00 AM
9 Comments:
I'm no doctor, just a curious observer. My observations are worth no more than you paid to hear them.
However, a while back you went off your meds because you were broke. Since then, it seems like you have felt worse, or at least you have been more open about not feeling great.
I assume you have a care provider who is proscribing your meds. Have you talked to them? I wonder if interrupting your meds is causing your issue. I also wonder if maybe you need a different dose or maybe a different med. You know as well as I do that there are many different drugs on the market.
If your provider isn't willing to work with you, I'd look into finding a new provider.
Sounds to me that you are being diligent in dosing yourself, the least your provider can do is find a med and dosage that works for you.
I don't think I realized how bad I am until I spazzed when you dared question that video I posted. Almost as soon as I posted my first response I realized how irrational I have been getting when I let my guard down. I did not realize this as of my last appointment, two weeks ago.
My shrink is cool and is will to play with the meds as necessary. I just need to get back in to see her. However, she is not on my current insurance plan so I need to wait until I get hired on permanently and get better insurance, or until I have enough cash to cover the cost of an appointment.
Yikes. How long before you get hired on perm?
Tomorrow is my official semi-anniversary, the first day my current employer would even consider cutting me loose to go perm here.
But my immediate bosses here who would like to hire me on have to wait for permission from above.
I'll light a candle for you.
I know my kvetching is leaving you feeling frustrated and powerless. It's best if you just accept that short of going to med school and becoming a shrink, or inventing the ultimate treatment for depression, you're just along for the rise.
I appreciate the thoughts, though.
We have never been able to help each other. We've been able to cheer-lead for each other, but that's usually where it ends. There are many instances, for instance, this, where cheer-leading will do no good.
So, yet again, I get to watch you suffer, not a damn thing I can do. Not the first time I've done it, you've done it for me plenty of times. This is one of the pillars of our relationship; the helpless, sinking feeling.
It never gets less frustrating, does it?
I really hope you aren't looking to me for a glimmer of optimism.
My life sucks, but that doesn't make me an optimist!
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