Enough of the "Conservative Max" thing. That dead horse never did anything to me.
So, there is a fair amount of stupidity cropping up lately. First there is that idiot who shot a bunch of people when they told him to get out of their deer stand and off of their property. Maybe I haven't been paying attention, but shouldn't the anti-gun, anti-hunting be foaming at the mouth about this? I can't say I am upset they aren't, but this is the sort of extreme, unheard of event that sets off the nation's demagogues. The right may be a morass of anti-intellectualism and excessive inbreeding, but it seems like the left is getting just plain lazy. Lately, the left in this country seems to have the killer instinct of marzipan. How am I supposed to be a fair and balanced asshole if the left refuses to pull their weight in the rush to destroy reason and measure? Come on lefties! I've led enough campaigns when I was in college to know that our side has no shortage of morons. Why let the right have all the fun!
Okay, so, I'm late with this. But, close has always been on target here at IWDC!
If you look at the bottom of this page, there is a little planet picture. That pic leads off to our tracking service. It tells me that we have been tracking the number of visitors to our site for 1005 days. That's right, we have been filling the Internet with Irate goodness for over a thousand days.
I have to say I couldn't be happier with this site. Max and I have kept at this project longer than any other we have shared. Our loyal readers have stuck by us and cheered us on. We've had highs and lows, but we have always come back. And so have our readers. We love you all and thank you for sticking around.
In February, we officially turn three years old. Appropriate. But, I couldn't let this milestone pass without remark. Here's to another thousand!
I haven't been around much. Part of it is because I can't stand being around my liberal former friend Jericho. His deep seated hatred of Jesus, America and morals is simply too much to take. Also, I have been trying to find Jesus. My first step to becoming a real, red-blooded, red-stated, American loving conservative is to become Christian.
I have spent every spare minute since my conversion started telling myself to believe in Jesus. I must confess (I hope that isn't too Catholic - fake Christians need not apply) that it hasn't been easy.
"Believe in Jesus," I tell myself. "Well, there is historical evidence of a Jesua bin Josef having been executed for preaching about a 'kingdom of God' around the time of the 1st century, and that he probably was the man we call Jesus." But that isn't good enough isn't. Historical evidence and other such liberal silliness are not true faith. I had to learn to truly believe without fact and evidence - even in complete opposition to them - if I was to become a true conservative.
So, I did what I think all true Christians do. I knelt down and prayed. "Jesus, I know I have failed you. I am not worthy of your salvation. But please come into my heart so that I might be able to destroy all who do not believe in your message of peace, tolerance and love."
Suddenly, I felt something deep inside me. I felt a voice telling me to go to a book store. I was torn. On the one hand, it could be my old liberal habits telling me to go buy pro-terrorist books by such Jesus hating anti-Americans like Michael Moore and Bill Maher. On the other hand, the Bible is a book. Maybe it was Jesus leading me to a Bible. I decided I would go, but be careful not to give in to my old, evil liberal nature.
I drove to my nearest book store and followed that voice as it guided me in, back, left, right left, right, right, right. I found myself in the cooking section with a copy of Everyday Seafood. I was confused. "Jesus," I said, "I don't understand. What does this mean?"
"You know, the Bible is cool and everything," a voice said, "but really, to be a good Christian you should just love people and take care of people who have it worse than you."
I was confused. Why would Jesus say such horrible, pro-terrorist things? Then I realized I wasn't hearing Jesus, but some hippy - some fake Christian - who had been standing near by, eavesdropping on my prayer. I considered taking his name down for future re-education, but decided my own conversion was a priority. So I took Jesus' cook book and have been contemplating it ever since. I think I may start with the catfish au lait.
Okay, Bush's re-election took us all a little aback. We have bitched, moaned, wailed, cried, pouted and now, a week later, it's time to get on with our lives. The more I think about it, we have been predicting far too much gloom and doom. We have been focusing on the zealots, the WAAAAAAY right wingers that scare the hell out of us. I mean, if you look at the WAAAAAAAY left wingers, they would have us living on farms, growing organic vegetables and settling into some lower level of the food chain. Yikes!
I really think that cooler heads on the right will prevail. It won't be an armed WASP revolt. I think it will be a return to a kinder, gentler America. An America from our romantic past, something we would see in a Norman Rockwell painting. I think the current Republican regime will bring back the 1950's!
As a public service to our readership, IWDC now presents a fair and balanced view of the new administration. Over the next four years:
... we will all give up these fad diets. Let's face it, the whole "diet industry" has come full circle. Twenty years ago we were cutting fat and eating more veggies. Now, we are eating steak and butter, eggs have less cholesterol, even milk is being touted as a way to lose weight. By 2008, we will all be waking up and having a four egg omelet, with thick, crisp bacon and a big glass of milk and/or OJ. It's good for you and for the American farmer!
... we'll all go to church! This country was founded on the right to religious freedom. Religious groups build community and fellowship, they strengthen us socially and morally. Practice your freedom by using it! Doing anything else is unamerican!
... we will all become home owners. Owning a home is great for your credit, great for the economy and an excellent investment. Newer, more affordable homes will be built from less expensive materials. These materials will be made possible by bumper crops of old growth timber on national lands opened up to logging. The National Parks Service will be encouraged to sell off "excess" park land to developers at rock-bottom prices. Federal tax breaks will be given to developers who turn these pristine lands into fabulous suburbs! Sure, the economy will still be "recovering" in 2008, but think of how low interest rates will be! You'll have a 21st century house for a post-war price!
... we'll all get richer. Tax breaks to big business and the rich will trickle down to provide larger salaries for corporate America. White collar workers will be living it up. The service industries will show significant job growth as the top ten percent demands more luxuries. With illegal aliens being shot on sight, the service industry will be ripe with new jobs for eager Americans. With the deflated manufacturing market, and with the most dangerous and boring jobs shipped to foreign countries, it will be a great time to be an executive!
... we'll all live the "High Life." Tobacco producers will be officially forgiven by the government. That industry suffered greatly in the last decade. As an apology, the Tobacco industry will be allowed to freely advertise in broadcast and print media. The Alcohol industry will point out that they have been mistreated as well in the last half century, restrictions will be removed from them as well. Have a drink and a smoke - it's part of a hip life-style and it's great for the economy!
... we'll all have much larger families. Large families provide safety and support for their members. With the job market shrinking and Dad's salary increasing, Mom can stay home! She'll be there in the morning to make breakfast and bag lunches, she'll be there to take the kids to Scouts and Dance class after school and she'll be there at night to welcome her husband home with a martini and his slippers. Since abortion, the pill and all prophylactics are now illegal, Mom will be blessed with lots of babies! Look out, Mom! Dad's had a few too many Boilermakers! Looks like we'll hear the patter of little feet again soon!
... victory will be ours! With the return of heavy defense spending and a build-up in the military, our fighting men will achieve world peace! Now that "alternative sex" has been banned, the birth rate will be on the rise. With the return of the draft, the ranks of the military will explode. Our boys will go off to fight terrorism, communism and anti-american sentiment where-ever it is found. Don't forget to buy bonds for victory!
By 2008, we will all be in a much better place. Celebrate this future today by purchasing a new car! Domestic or not, they are all owned by American companies, or soon will be. Buy anything you like guilt free and drive into the glorious future we all will share!
I have been thinking about the results of this past election and how I should react to it. After considering all available options I have decided to switch sides. Let’s face it, the left is dead in the US. It's time to give up and go with the flow. In order to negotiate my surrender, I found some right-wing Christian Republicans; Kimmy, Bob, George (not that George) and Raoul; to offer guidance. The following are the highlights of our discussion which I hope will guide not just me but all of my fellow soon to be former liberals.
Kimmy: The most important thing is you must become a Christian.
I must admit that threw me for a bit of a loop. I had lost my faith a long time ago and knew it would be a challenge to get back. But, they were here to guide me and I knew I had to give in if I was to leave the left. In fact, the more I thought about it the more I liked the idea.
Me: Yeah. Yeah. I can do that. I've known some great Christians in my time. I knew this guy; Jason; when I lived in London. I admired him a lot - even envied him. His faith brought him a great deal of peace of mind and spirit and allowed him to find the best in everyone, to really welcome everyone with love. It seemed like when he met anyone, his first thought was to love them until they gave him a reason not to. And when they gave him a reason not to, he kept on loving them anyway…
I trailed off as I noticed the uncomfortable glances my new friends where giving each other.
Raoul: Max, that man was no Christian.
Me: No?
Bob: No. You see, Christ brought us a message of peace, love and salvation. The only way to spread that message is through force. You must go out and conquer the heathen.
Me: The heathen?
George: Yes, the heathen. Like Jews.
Raoul: Jews make me so sad. None of them have ever read the Bible. If only they read even just the first few books, they would stop hating Jesus immediately. And it's up to us to make them do it.
Kimmy: Do you see?
I didn’t, but this was a surrender and it was not for me to question.
Raoul: Next, and this is really important, don’t be gay.
Me: Gay?
Bob: Yeah, you know. Homo.
George: Look, we understand that sometimes it's hard to not be gay.
Bob placed his hand on George’s knee. Their eyes met. George’s tongue parted his lips, his saliva giving them a glistening sheen. Bob shifted in his seat and drew in a deep yet halting breath.
Bob: It is very…important…to not be…gay.
George: Yes, even though straight sex can be so unsatisfying and even a little gross, we have to be straight and make babies for Jesus.
Bob: Yes. Babies for Jesus.
I knew I had a lock on this one. Sure, when I was in my teens - controlled by hormones and denied sex in any form - I had all sorts of gay, straight and just plain twisted fantasies when alone in my room. Now I'm old, fat and free of the tyranny of testosterone and - much to my wife’s frustration - pretty much asexual. Of course, lately I have been waking up sticky with no clear memories of going to bed. I'm beginning to suspect that my wife has started slipping roofies into my ovaltine. But that's okay. It’s not like you need to be conscious to make babies for Jesus.
Me: Got it. Don’t be gay.
George: Next, gun control is bad.
Me: Right. I’m already there. I have long been against gun control.
Kimmy: No! You cannot be for gun control. Gun control is bad.
Me: Yeah. I'm with you. I remember going shooting with my wife and father-in-law at his gun club. I loved it. My brother-in-law is a hunter. I’m all for guns.
Bob: We know you are all for gun control. But you can’t anymore.
Me: But I haven’t…
They all rushed me shouting that gun control was bad, that I was a stupid hippy liberal and that if I knew what was good for me I had better just shut up. So, I did and they went back to their seats.
Raoul: Next, rich people should not be taxed. God hates it when rich people are taxed.
Me: Really?
Kimmy: Sure. It’s in the Bible, the story of Lazarus and the rich man. The rich man had all the food and stuff Jesus wanted him to have and that awful Lazarus wanted him to be taxed just do he wouldn’t have to get a job, so God killed Lazarus and sent him to hell where all hippies go. Or how Jesus chased the Jewish tax collectors out of his first Christian church.
Now, that’s not the way I heard it. But I was there to learn. I had been misled by the hippy liberal agenda before.
George: Finally, abortion is bad and must be stopped.
Me: I’m with you. Of course, we really need to attack the root causes of abortion to we can really put an end to…
Again with the uncomfortable looks.
Raoul: You see, that is pure liberal hooey. “Root causes.” You liberals always want to attack “root causes.” Just make it a capital offence and have done with it.
Kimmy: Yes. We must execute abortionists if we are to protect life.
Again, they kind of lost me on that one. So they decided that was enough for the time being. I was to work on what they had taught me. If I showed myself worthy, they would help me further. Today I begin my path away from the failed path of tolerance and social justice to a better world of right-wing Christian Republicanism. It's either that or stand on my priciples and fight to my last breath for what I believe to be right. And what good has that every done anyone?
Jericho looks into his crystal ball and predicts events occurring in this administration. In the next four year you will see:
... a new vision of the draft. It will become a holy sacrament in the Temple of the Crucified Elephant God. Young men will volunteer to defend the rights and freedoms of Americans by going to other countries and kicking ass!
... a war with China, or Cuba, or Jamaica - any place that has no chance of standing up to the might of the U.S. war machine. They're all Communists anyway ...
... Roe vs. Wade be not only be overturned, but the Constitution and Bill of Rights will be amended to keep women barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen. Remember, all MEN are created equal.
... homosexuals executed in the streets as traitors to the State. It says so in the Bible! You bisexuals, transexuals and heterosexuals are next!!
... the Internet will simply be switched off. Too much chance that someone might see a naked boobie - we can't have that. Along that line, old issues of Playboy, National Geographic and Highlights will be buried in an abandoned salt mine in Indiana, until their "radioacticalvity half live" expires.
... the Democratic party will be named "The Other Republican Party" via an amendment to the Constitution.
... all books will be banned. Period.
... the Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts will be brought under one organization; the Bush Youth Corps. Buy the cookies ... or else!
... anyone saying the phrase "I miss Clinton" will be shot on sight.
... hybrid, solar powered or other alternately fueled vehicles will be placed in warehouse-museums where they can be laughed at but not used. Oil will rocket to $100 a barrel and this will be declared a "double plus good thing" for the economy by Senator Martha Stewart.
... big drug companies force the cost of medicines ever higher. Big insurance companies will refuse to pay the ever larger costs for drugs and procedures. The 90% of the population that doesn't control 90% of the wealth will not be able to afford ANY health care. So, Hospitals will shut their doors.
... a wave of "hospitos" hit the market. These will be hospitals converted into condos. You will have a choice of private or semi-private.
... the eight disk Star Wars DVD collection. All six movies in DVDII format, plus a disk of extras with previews of the third trilogy and a disk with a three hour "Making of" movie. Fans will complain about the fact that several changes have been made to the original moves. First, George Lucas' name will have been removed from the work entirely. Second, the Jedi will now be called "The Bushi." And last but not least, the CGI face of Dubya will be placed over that of Mark Hamil's - even in the black and white video taped auditions. No attempts will be made to change Mark's voice. Later that year, all Star Wars fans will be rounded up into concentration camps and all DVDs will be banned.
... Jericho Brown will move to Canada, assume the name of Jurgen Blanc and learn to speak French. When in hell, you learn to shovel hot coals.
The majority, a slim majority is still a majority, has voted Shrub back in. The majority has voted for four years of radical right wing demagoguery. The majority voted for four years of attempts to enshrine homophobia in the Constitution. The majority voted for four more years of shifting the tax burden from the rich to the middle and lower classes, while shifting government benefits from the poor and middle class to the rich. The environment will be gutted. ANWR will be raped for every drop of oil in it. The rest of the world can expect to receive a firm middle finger from the idiot in chief as he expands his war on the Infidels. Say, does anyone feel a draft? Shrub will probably name at least 3 new Justices to the Supreme Court; good, godly, christian Justices who feel the bible trumps the Bill of Rights and with whom we will have to live for decades. Medical cost will skyrocket. Wages will sink. Jobs will be shipped abroad. The rich will get richer and the poor will get savaged. Science will be shunted aside in favor of faith based "reality". Karl Rove have proven that nothing sways votes like well crafted lies and probably gets a rock hard boner every time he thinks about it.
Maybe I am wrong. A miracle could happen. But it is unlikely. That is why they are called "miracles" instead of "everyday annoyances".
